Hush-a-bye

As I listen to the dulcet sounds of my husband snoring next to me, that sleep number bed commercial keeps playing in my mind. Have you seen this gem? The happy couple gets into bed and he immediately starts snoring. She reaches over to her nightstand, grabs a remote control and gently raises the head of his bed. Like magic, the bastard stops snoring. Moments later, when she also begins to snore, he does the same. I need this bed and its magic remote. But you see, I've been listening to this cacophony a little too long now. I want the deluxe remote. I think you know what I'm talking about. Not the remote that gently lifts the head of the bed. That simply won't be enough here. What I want is the one that catapults him from the bed and flings him across the room. After listening to this for hours, it seems like a satisfying thump from his body hitting the wall is what's really called for here.

To be fair, he has bought a variety of stupid gimmicks in the past to try and help. One was a mouth guard piece. The idea was to keep his tongue down so it didn't occlude his airway or some such nonsense. The science behind it didn't really interest me. I just figured it could be used as a gag if it didn't work as intended. That lasted a hot minute before he "lost it". He must have sensed my intentions and the imminent danger he was in.

The most recent was my favorite. It was a shock collar. Well, really it was a bracelet. The idea was once he got to snoring and snarking and everything else, this device would give him a gentle buzz on the wrist. Just enough to pull him out of sleep to reposition. I swear to God, I did not adjust the zapper strength to electrocute him (though the thought may have crossed my mind). I WILL admit that I found it funny that the sound of Winnie purring could set it off. Or the sound of me laughing at Winnie purring, zapping away at him. I mean, come on. Who wouldn't laugh? Obviously, not my husband. I told you his sense of humor wasn't as keen as mine. You can probably guess how long this little device lasted.

So now I'm left here listening again. For hours. No mouth guard. No zapper. Certainly no deluxe remote. Just Winnie and I glaring angrily at him. Maybe another pillow would help. A nice, soft one. Placed gently over his face. No one would ever have to know...