Not This Sh!t Again

I knew what kind of day it was going to be at 4 o'clock this morning. Winnie had just crawled back into bed with us and began her routine of getting as close as possible. Just as I noticed a certain odor, a wet paw stepped on my face. Because apparently, some days you step in shit, some days it steps on you. So at 4 o'clock in the morning, I'm in the bathroom giving an angry cat a bath. Ever give a cat a bath? I recommend it at least once before you die. Everyone believes the propaganda that cats have 4 legs. Little known fact: cats are gremlins. That's right. Watch what happens next time you get one wet. First of all, they sprout way more than 4 legs. Each tiny precious kitten foot sheds its retractable nail and is replaced with razor blades. The time/space continuum loses its fluidity; allowing the cat to be simultaneously attacking your arm, wrapped around your face, and half way down your shirt all at the same time. The darling animal you've invited into your home and heart becomes a monster you saw recently in a horror film that brutally murders an entire town. I'm pretty sure I saw fire shoot out of her mouth at one point. Inevitably, the task becomes more about survival than cleanliness.
I suppose I should be thankful it was my face she stepped on and not my husband's. He's far more immune to her charm than I am, and I suspect that delightful act would have seen her banished from the bedroom for the foreseeable future. I cannot imagine a scenario in which he gently scoops her up, pads off to the bathroom and engages in the early morning calisthenics that I enjoyed at dawn.
Once we were both freshly bathed, reasonably dry, and completely pissed off at each other, she seemed mystified at the fact that she had been relegated to the foot of the bed. Of all the things I love most about cats, I think this is my favorite: their unwavering belief that they can do no wrong. They're kind of like hairy toddlers, but more cunning. Its not that they can't be taught or reasoned with, it's that they choose not to be. And yet, humans sign up for this contract by the billions. Some people have more than one of these demons living in their home right now. We buy them toys and fancy treats. Pay more for their health care than our own. The Egyptians even worshiped these heathens. What is wrong with us?
To add insult to injury, she has napped on and off most of the day. After all, she had a tough night. Me? I've been up and running all day. I even capped off the night with a mosquito laden baseball game. Tonight, though? I've learned my lesson. I'm sleeping in a ski mask!