All the Better to See You With

Yesterday I went for an eye exam at my local Lens Crafters. I now remember one of the reasons why I haven't been in years. We got there early to fill out paperwork. Luckily, we were early enough to hold the seats in the waiting room down for awhile as well. Fast forward to actually meeting with the doctor. I understand not everyone has a keen sense of humor, but this doctor was special. She started by asking what brought me in. I explained that I was having increased difficulty seeing distances as I was driving and I was having problems reading tiny print. She ingratiated herself to me by reminding me that "once you pass the age of 40, your vision starts to age as well." Now, I know this. Everybody knows this. The issue is, I like the idea of seeing. The appointment continued. She did all the typical eye doctor shenanigans, then concluded with the image killer: you could benefit from bifocals. I can wander around all day long without glasses and I haven't bumped into anything yet. So I tried to salvage my tattered dignity by asking if I would need to wear them all the time. I swear to you, this woman never paused when she said "only when you want to see." I wish I could tell you she was kidding. I'm not sure she was. So she dilates my eyes and sends me back out to the waiting room.  Twenty minutes later, we're back for more. She explains to me that though my eyes are painfully dilated and making me nauseous, she needs a really bright light for this part of the assessment. As soon as she is done, she will stop shining the light in my eyes. Trying to add some levity to the situation, I asked if I could just close my eyes. She informs me that if I do that, she wont be able to see. I kid you not. "I won't be able to see."
I know the average person would get their glasses then and there and just be done with the entire process. Pretty sure that was the assumption they were under as well. But if I don't want to wear the glasses in the first place, paying $200 for the frames before I even add the glass to them is not going to make this bitter pill any easier to swallow. So begins the search at my husband's go-to eye glass place: 39dollarglasses.com. This site allows you to take a selfie and "try on" glasses before you buy them. I feel kind of like I'm picking my favorite dental tools for an upcoming root canal. I personally don't understand why the people of Lens Crafters didn't offer me money for NOT putting their poor salespeople through the hell that has become picking out my glasses. All of these glasses are named after male scientists or towns on Long Island. None of them are flattering on me. I have gone back and forth between the same half dozen pair for well over 24 hours now. I hate the glasses. I hate my face. I hate my face in the stupid glasses. "Only when you want to see" she said. Maybe seeing is overrated.
I know the obvious solution is contact lenses. I tried those a couple of different times. Working in hospitals has got to be the driest environment for your eyes. I would come home at the end of the shift and on more than one occasion I had to literally scrape them from my eyes. It was more than a little painful. Also, marginally scary. So we're back to the glasses. If I don't pick a pair soon, my vision will deteriorate even further. So it seems we're going with the family favorite, "teacher". I choose not to even think about the hidden meanings. So here they are. I hope they come with Novocaine.